Reworking This Darkness is Mine has led me to open a can of worms. It feels like I crawled into the can, to be perfectly honest. I had to consider Michelle's family's motivations for the way they treat her. While this will deepen the story and the characters, their fictional motivations make me wonder what the real life motivations are.
Given that the story is based on real life, that means I have to set some hard boundaries with people who claim to love me. Even if they're sincere, they do not take my mental health seriously, which has me raging. It's not good for me to tap into my rage because there's no faster path to the psychiatric ER.
I've received a couple vicious emails from one brother. The reply I have in mind will tear him new assholes and make his testicles retract (perhaps permanently). Mind you, I've sent him a tactful email and they set him off into wild, insecure pinball action that nobody wanted to deal with (detailed in This Darkness is Mine).
The other brother who called 9-1-1 and let the ambulance cart me off without so much as a good luck wave good-bye deserves the most hateful tirade I can think of. His motivations are more sinister, sneaky and snakelike. He's such a condescending mooch who knows everything about nothing, I really am rankled. Can't hold a job, but offers career advice for me.
ME: current job held for over a year. Last job held for four years. Job before that for five years. Self-employed on the side since 2012
HIM: barely self-employed for a very long time
The mother -- whose doctors' names and specialties I'm very familiar with and have their numbers in my phone -- who probably can't name ONE doctor I've seen in the last 12 years deserves to float off into the ether.
And yet, I'm not ready to tear into them. My reason has to remain private for now, but I do have reason.
The year ahead will proceed without them in my life. They are not capable of stepping up for any need beyond the basic food, shelter and water.
I can fucking provide those on my own.
It's kind of tragic that my two primary reasons for fiercely sticking to my medication schedule are:
1) I don't like being psychotic or the nuclear fallout from manic psychosis
2) I can't count on my family for shit
The latent RAGE needs a safe way out or it'll sabotage the future I've been working so diligently to attain. I'm not close to relying on writing as a full time profession, but I'm working on it. To let these negligent blood relations, who have the WORST judgment of anyone I know, derail me yet again is unthinkable.
In the final analysis, they simply don't deserve me. I'm feeling my dad, the LION, rise up in me.
As for the future, I must revisit the past - a resource called https://newconversations.net and their Seven Challenges Workbook. I tweeted an invitation for anyone interested in bolstering their interpersonal communication skills.
The plan is to start in May. Every month for seven months, work on a challenge in four different situations. We can either meet weekly in a twitter DM group, create a Facebook group, or meet weekly in Google hangouts. It doesn't matter to me which.
I can't think of anything else besides February's agent showcase.
Just keeping it real, and perhaps a little raw.
To end on a hopeful note, if your loved ones don't accept that your illness is a fucking ILLNESS and takes more than idle exhortations to get through, find a new tribe.
Ecclesiastes won't get you through it
Prayer will help, but it's not the same as medical science
There is a path to stability
You're not a drama queen
You can crawl out from under the weight of shame and hold your head up
Twitter: @mackenzielitt13
Facebook: @mackenzielittledalewriter
email: mackenzielittledalewrites at gmail dotcom
For God's sake, no spam please.
Make someone else's day magical!
Mackenzie
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