World Mental Health Day 2020

 What does mental health look like to a person who has #bipolar? For myself, it means my everyday is as neurotypical as possible, and that's only a reality when I stick with my medication. 

But what does mental health look like for anyone - with or without a mental illness challenge - during a prolonged pandemic?

Dreamstime.com royalty-free image

I couldn't adequately answer the question, but Google's home page had a link to a gorgeous montage, and I'll share it here ==> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IPLaajIJq8M&feature=youtu.be. The whole human population needs to function with coronavirus in the backdrop. It's a beautiful and concise clip. It made me tear up because we all so desperately need each other but we're torn apart along illogical racial and political fault lines.

For specific care, especially coping with profound grief, YouTube suggested Amy Morin, LCSW and her TED-x Talk from Ocala, Florida. Imagine being 23 years old, graduating from graduate school, getting a dream job, getting married, and buying a house with a bright, shiny future ahead of you, only to lose your mother. Morin describes mental resilience by replacing unhealthy mental habits with healthier habits. Worth a listen. ==> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TFbv757kup4

As for myself, my world has been closing in on me in certain ways, and my outlets have been writing, weekly family Zooms, and the occasional visit in the park with a friend. I've attached a significant portion of my identity with my work, and being furloughed going on seven months has taken a toll. Who am I without gainful employment?

Who am I indeed.

I'm still a friend and a cat mommy, a sister, a writer with a story. I'm still here. I'm still facing a plethora of enormous uncertainty, which doesn't make me special. It makes me connected, because we're all in this together despite the six feet between us.

And later today, I'll be video chatting with my dear friends, and I look forward to seeing them, hearing their voices, seeing their faces, laughing until our guts burst, and leaning on each other.

READERS, follow my Facebook author page ==> https://www.facebook.com/MackenzieLittledaleWriter

WRITERS, follow me on Twitter ==> @mackenzielitt13

Is there an act of #SelfCare you can fit into your day today? In addition to the video chat with my friends, I'm going to give myself a hydration facial, avoid soda, and spend time with my brother and mom.

Be well, stay safe and have a magical day!

Mackenzie

On writing - What is the dream?

When I sat down for the first time to start my manuscript, it didn't have a title or a plot. I knew the beginning, some of the middle, but wasn't sure where to end the story.

I watched a tutorial on writers digest.com.
The beginning changed.

I read.
The middle changed.

I watched more tutorials.
The ending didn't change much.

A busy period loomed at work and I feverishly got the manuscript to a ready state and sent it off to beta readers, giving them a full two months to read and make notes.
They all said the story kind of dragged around the same place. Good to know.

Then came pitchwars. I didn't know what it was, but I entered, figuring I'd get the right guidance for that slow spot. I didn't expect the second half to change much, because beta readers loved it.

I think I posted about this already, so I'll cut to the chase.

This Darkness is Mine has a soundtrack in mind. I wrote it out, chapter by chapter what music I think would be appropriate if it were ever made into a motion picture.

I wrote out a list of people who I'd like to send ARCs (Advance Reviewer Copies) in hopes they'd post reviews on B&N, amazon and goodreads.

Why stop there?

I looked up to see if it's common or out of the question for fiction to have a foreword. Forewords can be included in any genre (good to know!)

Reedsy has a blog and YouTube video for how to get endorsements, so I have a few names of celebrities and mental health advocates whose endorsements I crave.

So in it to win it!

My dream expanded even more after receiving feedback from reader and writer friends after the manuscript went through the pitchwars revisions.

"Holy fuck! This is blowing me away!"

"It's a masterful display of imagery that's sucking me in...I'm over 100 pages in and don't wanna stop."

"Mack...I'm shaking it's seriously good."

"I finished all you sent me of This Darkness Is Mine. I think I enjoyed this part even better than the first! You write so well, Mack."

"This is an important story."

"Maybe five or six books I've read in my life really stuck with me, and yours is now with them. Michelle's ambulance ride - what a hoot! Michelle's attitude at the support group. You know, you've really given people a glimpse into a mind that they'd never get."

"This is riveting. I couldn't stop reading it! A star is born, Wonderful!!!"

And, I mean wow! https://www.screencast.com/t/5NrFbjUWu A full length review that I'll just tuck away and peek at whenever I need a pick me up and reason to crush writers block and self doubt.

Pitchwars showcase is literally a couple days away. Wish me luck!

Make someone else's day magical!!

Mackenzie

On Writing - This Pitchwars thing is hard

One post to vent, cry, break stuff, wail, and generally complain.

Just kidding.

Pitchwars (for more on PitchWars, there's their website www.pitchwars.org, and also a podcast on Manuscript Academy's website at https://manuscriptacademy.com/podcast Episode #64) has been a fascinating journey requiring me to toughen my hide and buckle down to get the task done. I didn't know what to expect. Really, I had no clue whatsoever. At the outset, since all my beta readers said the pace of This Darkness is Mine picked up around Chapter 15 and they couldn't put it down until the end, I figured I'd only be rewriting and editing Chapters 8-14. Not so bad.

That is not how it turned out.

The first half required the least work. A brand new Chapter 2. That was easy. A few overlays to add in some conflict between the characters, reveal motivations and stuff like that.

Those changes had ripple effects throughout the rest of the manuscript, which led me to writers block (it still happens to me, too).

The biggest hurdle and bluntest comments were about the character of Joe.

The relationship doesn't seem real.
It's too easy.
This remains difficult to believe.

OK. I wrestled here, but to be honest, I think the changes I made really deepen the bond between Michelle and Joe. My mentor hasn't weighed in yet, but we moved on to drafting pitches. I think we're going with draft #15. We moved on to searching for comps and now I'm back to that struggle. Finding adult contemporary fiction on mental illness in a minority family with a romantic subplot that deals with the effects of a cultish religion...not easy.

However, if you tell an agent there's "no book on the market like mine," they don't believe you and write you off as not knowing your genre.

On the flip side, when I think about the lack of suitable comparable titles, it leads me to toy with the idea that This Darkness is Mine is truly a seminal work. After all this turmoil, my ego needs the stroking. And it's plausible. This is not my first go round looking for comp titles and coming up with almost nothing.

What's in This Darkness is Mine?

• an imaginary romance
• a psychotic break on a plane
• a friendship-turned-romance that blows up and falls apart
• dysfunctional family dynamics
• contrast of bipolar managed well against not managed at all
• grief, loss, resilience, tenacity, denial, acceptance, and healing

It's a helluva story


Make someone else's day magical!
Mackenzie

End of the Year Thoughts

As 2019 winds down to a close, it's the right time to reflect on the past and consider the direction I want to go for 2020. With that sort of reflection, it's apt to take inventory and think of what needs to change and how to go about that.

Reworking This Darkness is Mine has led me to open a can of worms. It feels like I crawled into the can, to be perfectly honest. I had to consider Michelle's family's motivations for the way they treat her. While this will deepen the story and the characters, their fictional motivations make me wonder what the real life motivations are.

Given that the story is based on real life, that means I have to set some hard boundaries with people who claim to love me. Even if they're sincere, they do not take my mental health seriously, which has me raging. It's not good for me to tap into my rage because there's no faster path to the psychiatric ER.

I've received a couple vicious emails from one brother. The reply I have in mind will tear him new assholes and make his testicles retract (perhaps permanently). Mind you, I've sent him a tactful email and they set him off into wild, insecure pinball action that nobody wanted to deal with (detailed in This Darkness is Mine).

The other brother who called 9-1-1 and let the ambulance cart me off without so much as a good luck wave good-bye deserves the most hateful tirade I can think of. His motivations are more sinister, sneaky and snakelike. He's such a condescending mooch who knows everything about nothing, I really am rankled. Can't hold a job, but offers career advice for me.

ME: current job held for over a year. Last job held for four years. Job before that for five years. Self-employed on the side since 2012
HIM: barely self-employed for a very long time

The mother -- whose doctors' names and specialties I'm very familiar with and have their numbers in my phone -- who probably can't name ONE doctor I've seen in the last 12 years deserves to float off into the ether.

And yet, I'm not ready to tear into them. My reason has to remain private for now, but I do have reason.

The year ahead will proceed without them in my life. They are not capable of stepping up for any need beyond the basic food, shelter and water.

I can fucking provide those on my own.

It's kind of tragic that my two primary reasons for fiercely sticking to my medication schedule are:

1) I don't like being psychotic or the nuclear fallout from manic psychosis
2) I can't count on my family for shit

The latent RAGE needs a safe way out or it'll sabotage the future I've been working so diligently to attain. I'm not close to relying on writing as a full time profession, but I'm working on it. To let these negligent blood relations, who have the WORST judgment of anyone I know, derail me yet again is unthinkable.



In the final analysis, they simply don't deserve me. I'm feeling my dad, the LION, rise up in me.



As for the future, I must revisit the past - a resource called https://newconversations.net and their Seven Challenges Workbook. I tweeted an invitation for anyone interested in bolstering their interpersonal communication skills.

The plan is to start in May. Every month for seven months, work on a challenge in four different situations. We can either meet weekly in a twitter DM group, create a Facebook group, or meet weekly in Google hangouts. It doesn't matter to me which.

I can't think of anything else besides February's agent showcase.

Just keeping it real, and perhaps a little raw.

To end on a hopeful note, if your loved ones don't accept that your illness is a fucking ILLNESS and takes more than idle exhortations to get through, find a new tribe.

Ecclesiastes won't get you through it
Prayer will help, but it's not the same as medical science
There is a path to stability
You're not a drama queen
You can crawl out from under the weight of shame and hold your head up

Twitter: @mackenzielitt13
Facebook: @mackenzielittledalewriter
email: mackenzielittledalewrites at gmail dotcom

For God's sake, no spam please.



Make someone else's day magical!


Mackenzie

On Writing - Something new

Since writing has been tremendously therapeutic for me, I want to press on. A webinar I listened to on writing short stories said one way to use them is to experiment with new genres and to introduce my writing to an audience.

That's exciting!

I'm going to try my hand at writing a short story about Emma, a recent widow who is forced to financially support herself, but she develops a physical condition that makes her chosen profession almost impossible. However, when she's working, she's restored (in a sense) but in a most uncomfortable and ironic way.

Writing is even more important to me than therapy. It's a way to experience the world and reduce it to words. Can words do that?

Staying on top of my bipolar means finding meaningful challenges to stay engaged in the business of life. And taking my meds nightly. Can't forget that. Writing can be lonely, which makes it well suited for loners. Sort of. Loners can't just observe humanity, but interact with people, know people, love people, talk with people. Sometimes that awkwardness makes for great stories.

I have no way of knowing whether my social on/off switch is the way it is because of the bipolar, or if it's hereditary. My mom is something of a wallflower, while my father was charismatic and outgoing. I get the dubious distinction of being shy at times and being extroverted at other times. I have not yet found a way to control this. Perhaps I can write a character who can, and then learn from her.

I'm keenly interested in knowing what writing means to you. Please describe in the comments. How does it help you navigate your real life?

Mackenzie
Make someone else's day magical!

#writing
#mentalhealth
#bipolar
#arttherapy

RANDOM THOUGHT - What happens when you connect with a tribe of your own?

Ever since I started connecting on Twitter (with intention and purpose), I got exposed to people who have Bipolar, and some with other mental illnesses.  I've connected to writers.  I've connected to writers who write about Bipolar.  I've connected to people with Bipolar who write about it informally.

All in all, I'm still not 100% sure that the doctors are right about my diagnosis.  Much of my Bipolar behavior happens when I'm not looking, so to speak.  I don't know any way to describe my own invisibility when I'm manic. I guess it's like looking in a mirror and seeing no reflection.

I've questioned my diagnoses (Bipolar, schizophrenia, paranoid schizophrenia, depressive disorder, premenstrual depressive disorder) over the years but one thing became obvious: I cannot go any length of time without being medicated.

To date, my meds are very low dose.  5mg, that's all it takes.

My thoughts come at a rate of roughly 11 per second, and that's perfectly tolerable for me.  I can carry on a conversation most of the time.  Sometimes I space out and get distracted, but I believe my level of distraction is similar to "normal" people.  You better believe the concept of normal belongs in quotation marks. 

Normal is an elastic range.  I am in an elastic range that crosses over into normal and sometimes just on its periphery.  That's where my creativity is and I need to go there. 

Admittedly, it's better when I go there intentionally or I might not come back.

I've been lost in my mind before.  Some places are quite lovely and fascinating.  Others are deeply disturbing - that's the dungeon.

I said the post was random.

Thank you to my Twitter tribe.  While we all experience varying degrees of mania and varying degrees of depression, we all hold on to each other. 

I'll leave you with this - a link to another blog, and I invite you to watch the YouTube video embedded there.  Those racing thoughts are so frequent to me that that's my normal.  It doesn't alarm me.  I find my own reassuring and confident voice among all that static.

Things that help (although I'm not consistent about any of these things except bedtime meds):

Meditation (sometimes I go off the rails with this, but I'm trying)
Affirmations
Maintaining a journal
Assertiveness communication exercises
Talk therapy
Writing a book based on my experience, though it takes much discipline to learn the craft of writing and storytelling
Honoring my commitment to not give up on myself
Daily motivation video on YouTube
Searching for twitter hashtags on bipolar, mental health, mental illness, writers, writing, etc.
Positivity quotes
Just calling someone for a regular conversation
Work, for the sake of structure (and earning a living)

I'd ask for comments, but I know the site makes that challenging.  If you'd like to follow, please look for the BLUE FOLLOW BUTTON.

You can find me on Twitter @MackenzieLitt13

Make someone else's day magical!
Mackenzie

PERSONAL ESSAY - Letting the Diagnosis Sink In

Letting the Diagnosis Sink In
By "Anonymous"

One diagnosis didn’t convince me I had a mental illness.  I cherry-picked which diagnoses I’d accepted as mine and discarded the others like spoiled fruit. The first time, I thought I’d had a spiritual revelation.  The second time, I dismissed everyone around me as conspirators. The third time, the reports of my violent behavior skimmed the surface of my mind, as if they were fantasy stories about someone else. The fourth time, when my behavior threatened my employment at my dream job, I began to let it all sink in.  It forced me to stop distorting the reflection in my mirror. I’d believed my mind was my greatest asset and strongest defense, but it had turned on me and become my most formidable opponent. Could I outwit my demon and return to robust mental health?

It Came Out of Nowhere

My first manic episode happened in 2007, but I had no useful knowledge of mental illness in order to understand what was happening to my mind.  The attention from doctors and nurses was nothing more than a signal that I needed rest. Taking antidepressants was fine, as long as the condition was temporary.  The professionals weren’t sure how long I’d need to take medication, and it all seemed perfectly logical since I’d endured the trauma of my father’s death. But I hadn’t endured.  I’d collapsed. Without acceptance, I stayed collapsed.

The psychiatric staff gave me both physical and mental exercises to do to regain my functionality and I did them, temporarily.  I went a couple years off medications before another manic episode overtook me. That time, I refused to acknowledge anything I’d said or done was off.  My third manic episode let out rage but my conscious awareness was so sketchy that I didn’t know the full range of what I was doing or whom I was hurting.  The aftermath scared me, but it was all so confusing. I couldn’t believe I was capable of such violence against a person I loved. Denial shielded me from feeling shame.

Acceptance One - I Needed Meds

Through it all, I journaled, determined to deepen my level of self-awareness.  I also began seeing my medications as saviors. If I took them, I could stay out of the psychiatric ward.  I accepted that my condition was not a series of one-offs, but that I had slipped through a one-way door, never to return to normal-without-meds again.  That lasted for a couple years, until I was seduced by the futile hope that my meds were having no effect, and being without symptoms must have surely been proof that my meds no longer had a useful purpose.  I was wrong.

The offer of work at a prestigious spa with a storied past was the manifestation of a dream that I had pursued for two years.  I’d gone off my meds one August, started work in September, but by the end of December I was psychotic, loosely tethered to reality.  It’s kind of like being a hot air balloon that has a hole. I float up dreamily while the pinprick yawns into a gaping hole, and I fall towards an inevitable crash.  No amount of self-delusion can overcome gravity.

Final Acceptance

In the aftermath of that fateful day at Dream Job, the realization spreading in my perception was that I needed to shoulder some burden of responsibility for my state of mind.  I could no longer pretend Bipolar was a foreign language that I didn’t need to learn. I had to take charge of the totality of my health. If nothing else, I needed to be more involved in my own wellbeing.  The rivers of creativity and madness in my brain needed a valve regulator and that regulator was made of Risperdal and Cogentin.

While I believe my mental health practitioner needs to spend more time staying current and well-informed on the side effects of my prescriptions, I have my own access to the internet, and I’m not bad at vetting sources for reliability.  I’m now on low dose Abilify and don’t take normalcy for granted.

In the midst of it all, I’ve had to admit I have a voice and a good command of the English language, so I have no excuse for not writing it out.  With my meds as one link in my armor, I can face the daily challenges of life and regain trust in my mind and perceptions and senses. By taking my journey online, I’ve connected to a worldwide tribe who share their trials and strengths.  I’ve opened up to my cousin, who’s a good writer. She’s always wanted to write a book and my life was “great source material”.

The next links I’ll add to my armor are nutrition conducive to healthy mental states and daily exercise.  I plan to become formidable.

RANDOM THOUGHT - Time to talk about the Bipolar thing

The purpose of this blog was to discover what I even enjoy discussing, and to find an audience for my upcoming novel.  Going vegan at least one day a week, and where I eat, what I eat, when I have an epic fail - all fun.  Good times, good stories.

But I'm finding more than an audience.  I'm finding dialog with a tribe on Twitter (of all places). I'm finding people who deal with mental illness around the world.  You have no idea how badly I want this blog to reach Haiti and other countries where the symptoms of mental illness are thought of as demonic possession.  We're not in the grip of bad spirits.  Prayers certainly reach the ears of God, but we as humans are the hands and hearts of God on Earth.  Medicine and mental health providers are available and crucial.  Please stop tying people to trees.  Get them to a psychiatric practitioner of medicine!  If the first medicine doesn't work, try another.

I've seen it again and again that a person who needs treatment for cancer faces no stigma, but once something is wrong with the mind, the person is shrouded in stigma, as if she asked for it.

I didn't ask for mine. 

Stigma held it under wraps for many years, so I'm profoundly grateful to the less-than-a-handful of people I could talk to.  Without them, I might have gone deeper into the abyss. 

So many factors go into mental WELLNESS.  Healthy communication skills are vitally important.  I can't stress this enough.  Just as important is a support network that either understands my symptoms or is willing to journey with me as I educate myself on what my symptoms mean, what medications are available, whether I need a combination of meds and getting my dosage right.  My support network is quite small, but pretty effective and reliable.

The key is I have to be involved in my wellness.  That means asking my practitioner questions - grilling them if necessary.  It also means doing some research on my own.  Some professionals have ego issues and don't like being questioned.  I can walk right out their door until I find a professional who respects my input and involvement.  Right now, my psychologist would be totally useless to me if she didn't get me on Abilify.  She's condescending and I don't particularly like her.  But I have others outside her office who help me where she can't.

Meds are no joke.  Sometimes the side effects of psychotropic drugs are actually a worsening of psychotic symptoms.  That happened to me when I was prescribed too much Risperdal and Cogentin.  Just shifting the dosage downward made all the difference.  I stayed at low dose for years, until I was switched to the more modern Abilify (and happily my sex drive is back ON).

I want to say my bipolar is mild, but what does that mean?  My bipolar is wild, but the dosage I need to function is very low.  If my creativity is housed alongside the bipolar, then so be it.  If they are intrinsically bound, then I won't sacrifice one to get rid of the other.

My story is one of good fortune.  My bipolar was triggered long after my 20s, meaning my prefrontal cortex was already fully developed.  When it strikes youths, it can have very unpredictable effects on the developing brain.  Meds often don't work on the young because the effects are so widespread.  I'm LUCKY!

Admittedly, I need to take my own advice and get physically active, get the blood moving, get the arms and legs pumping.  I can be a couch potato, but it's social media that holds my attention, not television.  That sounds like an excuse, but I do need to get physically active.  Writing doesn't really lend itself to physical activity. I'll have to force myself to find a way.

Find me on twitter @MackenzieLitt13 and see who I follow.  You'll find lots of advocates, people with tips, and people who fight the good fight every day.  We're real.  We have each other and we have life with purpose.

Make someone else's day magical!
Mackenzie

#MentalHealthMatters
#KeepTalkingMH
#Bipolar
#DepressionIsReal
#EndtheStigma