RANDOM THOUGHT - Did I mention...

It occurred to me this very morning that the aspect of indoctrination from Jehovah's Witnesses may have had a disturbing effect on my mental health.

So yes, I carried the genes for bipolar, but something traumatic had to trigger it.  I got my triggers in rapid succession like machine gun fire.  So here I am.  Bipolar.  ExJW.

It's so easy to assign blame.  I've spent a significant portion of my life trying to find out where to stick the label "YOUR FAULT", but whether I find people or circumstances to blame, the fact remains I have to stick to my medication or I can't be trusted in public.  Period.  And that's an easy thing to do.  I set my phone with a nightly alarm to take my meds, so even if I forget, I can't forget, if you know what I mean.  My phone is my 5th appendage.

I can't help but wonder how the coldness in the JW organization affected my emotional well-being as a child.  Imagine every holiday (EVERY SINGLE HOLIDAY) as a child being placed in a room alone as my classmates sang holiday songs, laughed, made arts and crafts, wrote out Valentine's cards, etc.  Exile isn't the right course for a child when those years should be spent bonding with peers who may become lifelong friends.  My birthday wasn't a celebration.  I wasn't supposed to say the pledge of allegiance.

What military or law enforcement would defend someone who has no affection for the country?

I wasn't allowed to join Brownies or Girl Scouts.  Why not?  Because they say the pledge of allegiance.  So basically, I have few life skills.

All this can be overcome, I imagine, but not without becoming aware of how it all affected me.  Stunted my growth, and stunted my ability to connect deeply with human beings.  I want so badly to fall in love, but I don't know how.  In my mind, I believe that romantic love is all about showering someone with affection, but I have to learn that affection comes with deep emotional bonding and being vulnerable, having common interests and conversation, making plans and spending quality time together.  To date, I struggle with knowing how and where to start.

There is still such a long way to go.

As a public service announcement akin to "If you don't smoke, don't start", I say, "If you're not a Jehovah's Witness, don't become one".

Their beliefs and practices are foreign.  That, in an of itself, doesn't make them wrong, but their expectation that you disconnect from the full spectrum of what life is on this planet will cost you, possibly your sanity.


PS
Every year my family has the same conversation, pretty much verbatim.  "You know I don't celebrate Thanksgiving, so I'd like to have a dinner with my family."

This year I changed my response.  "No thanks, Mom.  Every year you ruin my Thanksgiving and it's my favorite holiday.  You wonder why I cry at the Publix holiday commercials.  Well part of it is because my own family isn't as connected and happy as the one in the commercial.  I want music, dancing, laughter, games, jokes, togetherness, an expression of gratitude, and some affection with people who show that they actually love me.  I can't do it to myself ever again.  Just sitting around with people who act like nobody matters."

I feel really good about that!  I'm going to continue to change my future for the better.

PPS
This is one tragedy reported by the Detroit Free Press and perhaps there are many more due to the Witness practice of disfellowshipping people who leave.
https://www.freep.com/story/news/local/michigan/2018/02/19/keego-harbor-jehovahs-witness-mom-triple-murder-suicide/351559002/

Make someone else's day magical!
Mackenzie

#Exjw
#mentalHealth
#EmotionalWellbeing